So I guess there's some kind of pig virus going around various countries. It kind of reminds me of that movie Outbreak. I don't remember much about the movie, except that I think it was a monkey's fault? I don't know, monkeys and pigs are both animals, thus making my comparison valid and handsome.

Whenever something like this happens, I immediately get a little panicky. I find myself analyzing every cough and runny nose, and I take note of any other possible symptoms. Eventually I am convinced I have or will have whatever the disease of the season currently is.

Once, in college, I woke up in my dorm room to find my roommate watching E.R. It was an older episode in which George Clooney was describing Meningitis and its symptoms to a frightened little boy. As I lay in bed watching Dr. Ross explain what was going on, I started to feel all of the symptoms he was describing. I had a bad headache and my neck was stiff. The only thing I didn't have was spots covering my body. I tried to shrug it off and take a shower, but stopped when I walked past the mirror. My arms, chest, and back were covered in tiny red spots. I freaked out and went straight to Student Health Services.

Nurse: What's wrong?
Jason: George Clooney said I have Meningitis.
Nurse: What?
Jason: Am I going to lose my arms?

She took one look at the spots and told me it was a mild allergic reaction to something, and that it was common on college campuses. It went away a few weeks later and my Meningitis fears got put to rest.

With this Swine Flu business being the big story on all the news channels, my brain has once again convinced my body I have something wrong with me.

This morning around 2am I woke up with a sore throat. I panicked for a second, but tried to shake it off, telling myself I was just cold because the window was open. I got out of bed and went to close it. To my dismay, the window was firmly shut. Instantly I could feel my throat getting worse, as if the flu was multiplying inside of it. I went to the bathroom and started coughing. I reached around in the dark for a cough drop to help ease my pain.

While in the bathroom, I put my hand up to my forehead. It felt warm. Too warm. I grabbed a thermometer and shoved it under my tongue. While it was in my mouth I coughed, sending it flying across the bathroom. When it landed it rolled next to the toilet, and the part of the thermometer that goes in my mouth made contact with the toilet's porcelain base. I grabbed a tissue, picked up the tainted thermometer, and threw it away. I thought it would be better to take my chances with the Swine Flu.

I still feel sore-throaty, but I'm hoping it is a regular flu and not one born of the animal kingdom.

How did humans first get Swine Flu, anyway? Was it from eating pork products, or from having sex with an actual pig? If it's from eating pork products, I'm super screwed. If it's from eating pork... well then I'm only a little screwed.