Mister Clean
If you're super manly, like me, you like hot bitches, cold beer, and a steak dinner with a side of steak. Served on a football. Nothing upsets us manly men more than having to do unmanly things, like cleaning. Lucky for us, a man in Georgia has combined the girly task of cleaning with one of man's most manly objects: the blowtorch.

This truly manly man saw cobwebs around the outside of his house and he decided it was time to take them out. Instead of using a womanly broom and simply brushing them away, he thought it would be better to grab a blowtorch and burn the mother fuckers down.

While sending the cobwebs straight to hell in the manliest way imaginable, he noticed a pillar of smoke coming from his attic. Turns out he had lit his roof on fire. Everything in his house has smoke or water damage now.

You may think he's an idiot, and he surely is, but he's also a hero. Those cobwebs will think twice before doing whatever cobwebs do again.



Ren and Stimpy weren't far off
The National Toy Hall of Fame announced its list of the toys getting inducted this year. The big winners are the skateboard, something called the "Baby Doll," and the stick. Stick like stick that'd break off a tree.

It got inducted because it's free and apparently fun. Kids can use their imaginations and make the stick whatever they want. The incredible lameness of this induction caused me to look up some of the other toys in this so called "Hall of Fame."

-Legos
-Kite
-Cardboard box
-Scrabble
-Jigsaw puzzle
-Radio Flyer wagon
-Tonka Trucks
-Slinky

(There were more, you can look up the rest yourself if you care.)

Some of those toys are certainly worthy of Hall of Fame membership. Legos are fucking awesome, kids love puzzles, and who doesn't enjoy whipping a Slinky across the room?

Is a wagon really a toy? Wagons are used to pull things around, so if a group of friends is playing with one, one of them isn't going to be having any fun. Playing with cardboard boxes is like watching your neighbors have sex. It's fun when you are by yourself, but if you get caught you have to register as a sex offender.

One glaring omission to the list needs to be rectified immediately. I checked the list twice, but I didn't see the greatest toy of all time on it anywhere. What's the toy, you ask?



The Eliminator TS-7.

This baby was a gun that could be turned into seven different guns and swords. It was bulky and giant and loud and it was the sweetest thing any kid could have owned. Nothing says sibling violence like a toy that could shoot, stab, shoot, stab, shoot, stab, and shoot again.