A teenager from Glastonbury has legally changed his name from regular sounding "George Garratt" to moronic sounding "Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined."

Ridiculous. That took me like four minutes to type out.

Captain Fantastic's stupid new name brings up a few questions. First off, what would possess someone to do this to themselves? Clearly this man hates the idea of ever having sex again. I can't think of a single woman who would be interested in a man who claims to be faster than everyone else.

Second, watch Family Guy much? His entire name is almost identical to Peter Griffin's boat, the "S.S. More Powerful Than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together." It's bad enough to make a total ass out of yourself, but now everyone is going to associate you with Family Guy, and that is probably the worst thing ever.

I imagine one morning he'll wake up alone in a puddle of tears and used kleenex and realize he made a huge mistake. When that day comes, he'll probably want to think of a new wacky name for himself. I've prepared a few suggestions I think will fit this guy nicely.

- Señor Assface McDouchepants

- Don't Use My Butt As Something Scandalous (That one's great, because he can use "Dumbass" as a nick name.)

- Mister Hannah Montana Is Awesome And I Also Love High School Musical And Boners ("Mhmiaaialhsmab" for short. Not a very good nick name, though, as it sounds like something a Hawaiian with a cold would say.)