Sunday, after I had been unable to urinate for almost two days, my girlfriend decided it was time to take me to the hospital. She said I was dancing around and whining and that it was probably time for a trip to the emergency room.

As I sat in the waiting room, bouncing in my chair, I contemplated the various ways I could explain my problem without sounding like an idiot.

"Hello, I have a kidney stone and I have been unable to urinate for over 24 hours."

or

"Hello, I'm having trouble expelling urine. It's been over a day since my last urination.

Both sounded good. Professional and mature. When the nurse came and asked what was wrong, I said, "Pee won't come out."

They took me into a room and explained that I would need a catheter. When she informed me that "catheter" meant "tube shoved into your penis" I wished for death. I said that I would rather just wait for my bladder to explode, but that was apparently not an option.

I'll spare you the disgusting details, but after the tube was shoved into my penis, the catheter didn't work, and they had to take it out. There was apparently something blocking the catheter from making it to the bladder.

I was ready to call it quits, go home, and cry myself to sleep. The doctors wanted to try again, with a, and I quote, "less forgiving instrument."

I was visibly panicked, so they gave me drugs to calm me down. They used the second catheter, a much harder and more painful version of the first one, and were met with no success. After wiggling it around a bit, they pulled it out and left to discuss further options. I was left laying there, blood all over my crotch like we were filming a rape-revenge movie for Lifetime. My penis felt like a porcupine had crawled inside me and exploded.

When the calming drugs started working, I got really lightheaded. I kept dozing off and having the most amazing dreams. I was Superman and I was boxing Rocky Balboa. It was a tough fight, but I won when I remembered that I was fucking Superman.

After I remembered where I was, I looked up at my girlfriend and we talked about how my penis looked. We talked back and forth for a few minutes.

Jason: How does it look?
Heather: Not good. There's a lot of blood. Like a fountain.
Jason: Gross.
Heather: Yeah.
Jason: How many people have seen my penis today?
Heather: Five, I think.
Jason: That sucks.

Then I woke up. I looked over at my girlfriend.

Jason: Wait, were we just talking?
Heather: What? No...
Jason: We didn't just have a conversation about my penis?
Heather: You were humming a lot, but there were no words.

I was having trouble determining what was really happening and what I was dreaming was happening. It was awesome.

I dozed off again and my best friend and I were taking driving lessons from a panda. My friend was driving and the panda kept hitting the brakes. Every time he would stop the car, my friend would yell and the panda would maul him a little. When it was my turn to drive I freaked out and woke up, still in the hospital room.

Jason: That was awesome.
Heather: What was awesome?
Jason: I just had the weirdest dream. I was taking driving lessons from a panda and Paul got mauled and...

I woke up again.

Jason: Did you hear anything I just said?
Heather: Do you mean, "Hmm, Huuuuh, hummmmmun, hmmmmuuuuuh?"
Jason: This sucks more than anything.

The nurse came in and said it would be a while before anyone knew anything, and that I should try to pee again while I waited. Heather left the room and I tried peeing into a medical bottle.

I felt myself peeing, but there was no urine. I looked down to see gauze stuck in my penis, because of all the bleeding. I pulled the gauze out and my urine exploded from my wang. I missed the bottle completely and began pissing all over the cabinets. My reaction time was slowed because of the drugs but I was finally able to hit the bottle. I peed into the bottle and stood triumphantly when I was done. I held the bottle up like I was Indiana Jones and it was my lost artifact. Heather came back into the room.

Heather: How did it go?
Jason: I almost filled the bottle. Don't look, it's all bloody and gross.

She pointed to the floor.

Heather: Your, um, penis is leaking.

I looked down to find blood dripping from my penis. I grabbed a paper towel and held it on my cock. Three nurses walked in while I had my hand on my dick. I tried my best to cover myself up, but I think my balls were totally visible while I was sitting there.

After finding out I was able to pee, the doctor told me to go home. It hurt getting dressed and walking back to the car. Even now, one day later, it still hurts getting dressed and walking. And peeing, which I can now do, but only with incredible pain.