So the Olympics start today, and while I'm excited to see team USA win a million medals, I'm also angry that someone like me can never compete. Where are all the Olympic events for fat guys who don't like doing anything? I came up with a list of events I would like to see included when the next summer Olympics rolls around in 2012.

- Olympic Sitting -

Each participant would be allowed to use any combination of stool, chair, and table to see who could sit the longest.

Announcer: Team USA is trying something new, wait, wait, he's putting his feet up on the table and leaning back in his chair! Yes! He's in it for the long haul! Team Russia is shifting uncomfortably in their bean bag chairs. Leather was a poor decision, truly a rookie mistake that doesn't belong at this level of sitting.

- Olympic Blogging -

Each participant would be judged based on how many things they could complain about in fifteen minutes. Extra points for sarcasm and celebrities, but you lose points if the judges think you are being a douche.

- Olympic Watching Women's Gymnastics -

Each participant gets a front row seat to the women's gymnastic event and is judged on subtle creepiness and their ability to justify sleeping with a seventeen year old.

- Olympic Cheating -

Four participants from four different countries are forced to play Monopoly, Clue, and Life with each other. The person who cheats the most without getting caught wins the gold. Extra points for number of steroids found in your system, and for making out with a judge behind your girlfriend's back.

- Olympic Being a Dick -

Each participant is put in a different situation and medals are awarded based on number of judges who feel "that guy is being a dick."

Situations can include, but are not limited to: Waiting in line, crowded elevator, blind date with uggo, doing anything at the post office, or spending time with your parents.