--People who wait until the last possible second to shift lanes when the one they are in is ending are assholes. I hope you and your car get raped by sea lions. I also hope those sex-offending sea lions have some rare, incurable form of sea-chlamydia, so you can live with that shame your whole life.

--Anybody who is upset about Jon and Kate's impending divorce is a dumbass. If they cared about staying married, they would have quit the show to work on it. Next season, the show should be called "Jon & Kate plus H8", and feature Jon and Kate fighting each other in armed combat. Winner takes all (the kids).

I feel like kicking my own ass for knowing as much as I do about this whole "Jon and Kate" bullshit. I've never seen the show; I just read too many gossip websites, because apparently I have a vagina.

--We fucking suck at updating this website. Seriously, we're jerks.

--You know what's annoying as balls? People who pace back and forth while you are trying to talk to them. We're just talking about the weather, why the fuck won't you stop moving?

--I finally got around to listening to NPR. Holy shit, this is what I've been hearing such great things about? It reminded me of when I was five years old, and my dad used to always have AM radio on in the car, making a five minute drive feel like a five week drive.

"Hello, I'm monotone, and because I sound boring, you'll think I'm great. This is NPR."

--Getting mail is awesome. Except when that mail is a letter from a lawyer saying you owe the county $200. Apparently there was a county tax I was supposed to pay when I bought my car three and a half years ago. I looked it up, and because I bought my car in a different county, the dealership didn't have to tell me about it. Three years and $200 later, I find out it exists. I don't think I can go three months without some god damn car bullshit showing up and costing me money.

--I hate cars.

Today, Jason turned 25. Good for him.

Jason actually might be my longest running friend. I know I'm nowhere near that to him, but I also hate people quite a bit.

More than Jason? No no. Jason hates most everyone and everything. He's actually afraid of everything he doesn't hate. There are some things he is both afraid and hateful of (cobras, spiders, cleaning the toilet, the dark), but that doesn't detract from who he is.

I don't know who he is exactly. I was hoping that I would have something nice to say about how he's a great friend and person and how everyone should be envious of my friendship with Jason.

Sadly, those kind words would be unjustified.

So please, wish Jason a happy birthday. Mostly because I did it in the most dick way possible. It's all revenge for calling out my sweet sweet Alicia Keys.

I don't have a haiku to write about Amy Winehouse either. She's uglier on the inside than she is on the outside and she looks like pure shit on the outside. Take that, stupid.

I also want to add that I beat him so bad/often in Smash Bros. that I shamed him into selling his Wii.

Sorry for the long rambling stream of bull shit everyone.

Happy birthday Jason. Go fuck yourself.
Love,
Marvin

Yes, why not? I'll try to do more shit more often.

Title says it all. Follow the tab at the top to read "Jason vs the bike". Or don't, I don't care.

I'm kidding, I do care, baby. C'mon, click that little link.

-jason

So I guess there's some kind of pig virus going around various countries. It kind of reminds me of that movie Outbreak. I don't remember much about the movie, except that I think it was a monkey's fault? I don't know, monkeys and pigs are both animals, thus making my comparison valid and handsome.

Whenever something like this happens, I immediately get a little panicky. I find myself analyzing every cough and runny nose, and I take note of any other possible symptoms. Eventually I am convinced I have or will have whatever the disease of the season currently is.

Once, in college, I woke up in my dorm room to find my roommate watching E.R. It was an older episode in which George Clooney was describing Meningitis and its symptoms to a frightened little boy. As I lay in bed watching Dr. Ross explain what was going on, I started to feel all of the symptoms he was describing. I had a bad headache and my neck was stiff. The only thing I didn't have was spots covering my body. I tried to shrug it off and take a shower, but stopped when I walked past the mirror. My arms, chest, and back were covered in tiny red spots. I freaked out and went straight to Student Health Services.

Nurse: What's wrong?
Jason: George Clooney said I have Meningitis.
Nurse: What?
Jason: Am I going to lose my arms?

She took one look at the spots and told me it was a mild allergic reaction to something, and that it was common on college campuses. It went away a few weeks later and my Meningitis fears got put to rest.

With this Swine Flu business being the big story on all the news channels, my brain has once again convinced my body I have something wrong with me.

This morning around 2am I woke up with a sore throat. I panicked for a second, but tried to shake it off, telling myself I was just cold because the window was open. I got out of bed and went to close it. To my dismay, the window was firmly shut. Instantly I could feel my throat getting worse, as if the flu was multiplying inside of it. I went to the bathroom and started coughing. I reached around in the dark for a cough drop to help ease my pain.

While in the bathroom, I put my hand up to my forehead. It felt warm. Too warm. I grabbed a thermometer and shoved it under my tongue. While it was in my mouth I coughed, sending it flying across the bathroom. When it landed it rolled next to the toilet, and the part of the thermometer that goes in my mouth made contact with the toilet's porcelain base. I grabbed a tissue, picked up the tainted thermometer, and threw it away. I thought it would be better to take my chances with the Swine Flu.

I still feel sore-throaty, but I'm hoping it is a regular flu and not one born of the animal kingdom.

How did humans first get Swine Flu, anyway? Was it from eating pork products, or from having sex with an actual pig? If it's from eating pork products, I'm super screwed. If it's from eating pork... well then I'm only a little screwed.