Yes, we failed miserably at posting everyday. I'm not sorry though, I'm very lazy and you all should know that by now.

Mister Clean
If you're super manly, like me, you like hot bitches, cold beer, and a steak dinner with a side of steak. Served on a football. Nothing upsets us manly men more than having to do unmanly things, like cleaning. Lucky for us, a man in Georgia has combined the girly task of cleaning with one of man's most manly objects: the blowtorch.

This truly manly man saw cobwebs around the outside of his house and he decided it was time to take them out. Instead of using a womanly broom and simply brushing them away, he thought it would be better to grab a blowtorch and burn the mother fuckers down.

While sending the cobwebs straight to hell in the manliest way imaginable, he noticed a pillar of smoke coming from his attic. Turns out he had lit his roof on fire. Everything in his house has smoke or water damage now.

You may think he's an idiot, and he surely is, but he's also a hero. Those cobwebs will think twice before doing whatever cobwebs do again.



Ren and Stimpy weren't far off
The National Toy Hall of Fame announced its list of the toys getting inducted this year. The big winners are the skateboard, something called the "Baby Doll," and the stick. Stick like stick that'd break off a tree.

It got inducted because it's free and apparently fun. Kids can use their imaginations and make the stick whatever they want. The incredible lameness of this induction caused me to look up some of the other toys in this so called "Hall of Fame."

-Legos
-Kite
-Cardboard box
-Scrabble
-Jigsaw puzzle
-Radio Flyer wagon
-Tonka Trucks
-Slinky

(There were more, you can look up the rest yourself if you care.)

Some of those toys are certainly worthy of Hall of Fame membership. Legos are fucking awesome, kids love puzzles, and who doesn't enjoy whipping a Slinky across the room?

Is a wagon really a toy? Wagons are used to pull things around, so if a group of friends is playing with one, one of them isn't going to be having any fun. Playing with cardboard boxes is like watching your neighbors have sex. It's fun when you are by yourself, but if you get caught you have to register as a sex offender.

One glaring omission to the list needs to be rectified immediately. I checked the list twice, but I didn't see the greatest toy of all time on it anywhere. What's the toy, you ask?



The Eliminator TS-7.

This baby was a gun that could be turned into seven different guns and swords. It was bulky and giant and loud and it was the sweetest thing any kid could have owned. Nothing says sibling violence like a toy that could shoot, stab, shoot, stab, shoot, stab, and shoot again.

I'm not one to openly hate a religious establishment, but seriously, the Westboro Baptist Church needs to be burned down. Apparently, they plan on picketing Obama's grandmother's funeral. We can all imagine the reasons they would use too. "We hate dem faggots" and "fuck them faggots" and more things about "faggots". Everyone already hate them tons, but it's always worth touching on again.

I checked their site, godhatesfags.com (I wish I could make something like that up) and read their upcoming picketing schedule. There are gems throughout.

"God Killed Your Cheerleaders! 400 Scott High Drive So, when we tell the whole round world that the southern states of DOOMED america are full of hypocrites, and in fact we have this little diddy: You southern hypocrites, fag feces is your grits!"

Wow, I like gays and I certainly don't want their feces as grits. Thankfully. I don't eat grits.

"So All I Got To Say Is "May God Be With You" He Is The Only One That Can Help You Now. Sincerly, The Guy That Will Kill Your Mother Fucking Asses."

Such Godly behavior.

"Have we told you lately that God Hates Baltimore? Well that's kind of like the lawyer joke, to wit: "Whatta you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? Answer: A GOOD START!" God is just getting started with Baltimore, MD."

NOT BALTIMORE!!! Where will we get our pit beef?

"George Carlin is in HELL! All who watched that movie "Prince Of Tides" knows that George played a smelly, nasty, mincing faggot on that movie! ... Since they insisted on hiding his filthy rotten corpse, we will be at this event to tell you all that if you follow George Carlin's manner of life - you will reside with George Carlin in everlasting fire and torment."

I don't know, even God would think George was funny.

Can't we find some legal loophole to classify these people as a terrorist sect and have Navy Seals repel from helicopters and off them? That would be mega sweet.

Nothing would make me happier than a group of Mr. Leather types just fucking all the male patrons of said church to death. Seriously, nothing.

Being Assyrian, I was always reminded of how important my race was while growing up. We Assyrians were an illustrious people that made profound scientific, political, mathematical and military-based contributions to the world. We were powerful, enviable and all too important to the histories until, well, we got our asses handed to us by all the people we pissed off. Since then, we have persevered against endless persecution in our native Middle East. As our people were moved and murdered and their pasts destroyed, we banded together in what small numbers we had and survived. Even to this to day, we face baseless intolerance and violence. Our very presence on the face of this Earth is a symbol of strength and diligence. We had the willingness to press on across thousands of years of shit times. I am supposed to be proud of my people. I’m not.

This United States of America has grown through endless hardships as well. I don’t need to reiterate all the wars, whether or a literal or political battlefield, we fought. You’ve been spoon fed that since the first grade. Yet, people like Thomas Jefferson and Tom Payne and Robert Kennedy are immortal in impact. I admire these men and so many others like a starry eyed child loves a super hero (Spiderman or whoever it is that the kids like nowadays). This country’s history, while anomalous and turbulent, is something to behold. Countries world wide mold their growth based on our formulas. Even despite recent times, the US is a country we should be proud of. I’m not.

In fact, the only thing I find myself being moderately proud of are the Bears and Bulls. It is total bullshit that sports teams are the only things I am proud to be a patron of. That’s just the way I feel, unfortunately. Totally stupid, I know.

However, Mr. Obama won last night. While I was tied up in the suburbs (damned second shift) and could not be in a sea of support during his speech, I was happy. More than happy, actually, I was relieved. I did the macho guy thing where I scrunched up my face to disguise the fact that I was getting a little misty. I truly do believe in Barack and honestly, I don’t much care to touch on the topics all over again. It’s become an exhausting chore and, frankly, would like to let things lie while President Elect Obama starts devising his “change”. I still can’t swallow away my feelings of uncertainty for where we’re heading. In fact, there may be more potential uncertainty now than 48 hours ago due to the possible implications of having a black president. That aside, I genuinely feel my confidence growing.

I know how my heritage has been tainted with squabbling over ridiculous religious ideologies and misguided ambition. I could prattle on about how shitty our country has been, both in social impact and the moral disagreements I have with actions taken. Somehow though, I may have a different perspective. I’m not saying I’m proud of this country yet. I am saying Barack may be the man that changes that for me.

A teenager from Glastonbury has legally changed his name from regular sounding "George Garratt" to moronic sounding "Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined."

Ridiculous. That took me like four minutes to type out.

Captain Fantastic's stupid new name brings up a few questions. First off, what would possess someone to do this to themselves? Clearly this man hates the idea of ever having sex again. I can't think of a single woman who would be interested in a man who claims to be faster than everyone else.

Second, watch Family Guy much? His entire name is almost identical to Peter Griffin's boat, the "S.S. More Powerful Than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together." It's bad enough to make a total ass out of yourself, but now everyone is going to associate you with Family Guy, and that is probably the worst thing ever.

I imagine one morning he'll wake up alone in a puddle of tears and used kleenex and realize he made a huge mistake. When that day comes, he'll probably want to think of a new wacky name for himself. I've prepared a few suggestions I think will fit this guy nicely.

- Señor Assface McDouchepants

- Don't Use My Butt As Something Scandalous (That one's great, because he can use "Dumbass" as a nick name.)

- Mister Hannah Montana Is Awesome And I Also Love High School Musical And Boners ("Mhmiaaialhsmab" for short. Not a very good nick name, though, as it sounds like something a Hawaiian with a cold would say.)