I'm not sure if people still come here, but if you do, I'm working on a side project right now over at www.superawesomecarnivalbears.com

You should check it out. Or not, I guess.

And now, because I don't want to leave you with nothing, I have a song-related gripe. First off, I can't tell the difference between Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. Granted I've only heard maybe two of their songs, but still, whenever I hear Taylor Swift sing on the radio, I'm convinced it is a Miley Cyrus song.

Second, the actual song in question, "You Belong to Me." These lyrics are bullshit.

She wears short skirts, I wear T-Shirts
She's cheer-captain and I'm on the bleachers

Why on earth would a guy pick Sloucho McSweatpants over the head cheerleader and her tiny, promiscuous skirts? If you really want to get the guy, Taylor, you should think about revising your lyrics:

She wears short skirts, I give blow jobs
She's cheer-captain, I'll see you under the bleachers

--People who wait until the last possible second to shift lanes when the one they are in is ending are assholes. I hope you and your car get raped by sea lions. I also hope those sex-offending sea lions have some rare, incurable form of sea-chlamydia, so you can live with that shame your whole life.

--Anybody who is upset about Jon and Kate's impending divorce is a dumbass. If they cared about staying married, they would have quit the show to work on it. Next season, the show should be called "Jon & Kate plus H8", and feature Jon and Kate fighting each other in armed combat. Winner takes all (the kids).

I feel like kicking my own ass for knowing as much as I do about this whole "Jon and Kate" bullshit. I've never seen the show; I just read too many gossip websites, because apparently I have a vagina.

--We fucking suck at updating this website. Seriously, we're jerks.

--You know what's annoying as balls? People who pace back and forth while you are trying to talk to them. We're just talking about the weather, why the fuck won't you stop moving?

--I finally got around to listening to NPR. Holy shit, this is what I've been hearing such great things about? It reminded me of when I was five years old, and my dad used to always have AM radio on in the car, making a five minute drive feel like a five week drive.

"Hello, I'm monotone, and because I sound boring, you'll think I'm great. This is NPR."

--Getting mail is awesome. Except when that mail is a letter from a lawyer saying you owe the county $200. Apparently there was a county tax I was supposed to pay when I bought my car three and a half years ago. I looked it up, and because I bought my car in a different county, the dealership didn't have to tell me about it. Three years and $200 later, I find out it exists. I don't think I can go three months without some god damn car bullshit showing up and costing me money.

--I hate cars.

Today, Jason turned 25. Good for him.

Jason actually might be my longest running friend. I know I'm nowhere near that to him, but I also hate people quite a bit.

More than Jason? No no. Jason hates most everyone and everything. He's actually afraid of everything he doesn't hate. There are some things he is both afraid and hateful of (cobras, spiders, cleaning the toilet, the dark), but that doesn't detract from who he is.

I don't know who he is exactly. I was hoping that I would have something nice to say about how he's a great friend and person and how everyone should be envious of my friendship with Jason.

Sadly, those kind words would be unjustified.

So please, wish Jason a happy birthday. Mostly because I did it in the most dick way possible. It's all revenge for calling out my sweet sweet Alicia Keys.

I don't have a haiku to write about Amy Winehouse either. She's uglier on the inside than she is on the outside and she looks like pure shit on the outside. Take that, stupid.

I also want to add that I beat him so bad/often in Smash Bros. that I shamed him into selling his Wii.

Sorry for the long rambling stream of bull shit everyone.

Happy birthday Jason. Go fuck yourself.
Love,
Marvin

Yes, why not? I'll try to do more shit more often.

Title says it all. Follow the tab at the top to read "Jason vs the bike". Or don't, I don't care.

I'm kidding, I do care, baby. C'mon, click that little link.

-jason